With manly tail upright, clenched-claw pumping, Sen. Josh Squirrelly announced his candidacy for U.S. President on Jan. 21 The Missouri Senator kicked off his campaign in front of the White House before a small entourage of pigeons.
Sen. Squirrelly said his opposition to Critical Squirrel Theory (CST) will be front and center in his campaign. He said CST teaches young squirrels to hate their ancestors, hate their homeland, and to hate themselves.
“It is no accident that this campaign begins on National Squirrel Day,” declared Sen. Squirrelly. “Squirrels made this country great. That’s a historical fact. We must call out those who seek to diminish and undermine our proud squirrel heritage.”
Healthy, red-blooded squirrels are under assault from Hollywood elites, a perverted public school system, as well as museums and other “centers of learning,” according to Sen. Squirrelly. He said leftist cultural warriors in the film industry have sought to portray squirrels as thuggish murderers.
“I take particular umbrage at the latest Hollywood trash in production called Squirrelnado,” said the freshman Missouri senator. “The depraved trailer for this movie advises audiences to ‘hold onto their nuts.’
“The movie ad promotions are sick all by themselves, but the actual content of squirrels viciously attacking little girls is beyond the pale,” stressed the presidential candidate. “It’s also fake filmmaking. Missourians know their tornadoes and they know attack squirrels do not fall out of funnel clouds.”
Sen. Squirrelly also took on public schools and museums in his own state of Missouri. He was especially irked by a recent article distributed by the Missouri Historical Society entitled, “The Great Squirrel Invasion of 1839.”
“Do we really need to dredge up stories from two centuries ago to besmirch squirrels?” the U.S. Senator asked. “This kind of salacious and sensational material is what we often find on school library shelves.
“The article is the worst kind of slander,” added Sen. Squirrelly. “It refers to squirrels as ‘large pests.’ It depicts them as unwanted immigrants in their own country, stealing the crops and stripping fields bare. That’s wrong.”
Love America Act
All but two of Missouri’s Congressional delegation have endorsed the 2024 candidate’s Love America Act that he introduced in Congress. The act is a full frontal assault on CST. Most of the Show-Me State delegation has been vocal in its contempt for CST.
Missouri’s retiring Sen. Roy “White-Nosed” Batt said he supports the bill because “to love America, you just have to love its squirrels.” Longtime Sen. Roy Batt’s son, former Missouri Gov. Matt Batt, also applauded the bill meant to counteract Critical Squirrel Theory.
“Show-Me State squirrels are pleased to see legislation that protects their heritage and defends their history,” declared a joint statement by Roy Batt and Matt Batt. “What gets taught in our schools is a little nutty now. It has to be answered.”
The Love America Act forbids schools from teaching from books or texts that contain anti-squirrel screeds and that cast doubt on the Founding Fathers love of squirrels. The act bars federal funding for schools that have children singing about “muskrat love” rather than affection for squirrels.
“My constituents complain their kids come home from school depressed and on the verge of tears,” said Sen. Squirrelly. “They are literally taught to hate themselves because they are squirrels. It’s poison.”
Critics of Sen. Squirrel note that in the past he has argued that “manly squirrels butch up, when the going gets tough.” There’s no room for softies, creampuffs, snowflakes, or baby squirrels that have their feelings hurt too easily, according to Sen. Squirrel’s credo.
“Can you really have it both ways?” a reporter asked the candidate at his Nov. 21 District of Columbia press conference. “Can you really complain about hurt feelings when youngsters learn about the shortcomings of squirrels in Critical Squirrel Theory?”
Sen. Squirrel said he would address what makes “a manly squirrel” at his next campaign press conference. At that conference, he said he would refute any ideas that masculinity is toxic, another disgraceful tenet of elitist academics.
White Squirrel or Red Squirrel?
Skeptical reporters at Sen. Squirrel’s press conference in front of the White House aimed a few more pointed questions at the candidate on Jan. 21.
“In the past, you seem to have made much of being a white squirrel like those that thrive in Olney, Illinois, or Marysville, Kansas,” said a CNN reporter. “You seem to be a red squirrel here at your announcement today.
“What’s with the change in shade?” asked the reporter. “Are you some kind of a chameleon? A RINO? An Albino? A white squirrel in name only?”
Sen. Squirrel said it’s okay to be a red, gray, white or black squirrel, as long as you are an American squirrel. He said he had no apologies to make for himself.
“Truth be known, I am a squirrel from Mizzourah that has found it useful to be a bit under cover at times here in Washington, D.C.,” said Sen. Squirrel. “There are so many red, socialist, social justice squirrels here under the capitol dome.
“One way to ward off attacks from the reds – the red squirrel squad – is to be a little incognito,” he added. “It allows me the space and time to work on making America truly squirrelly again. See ya’ next campaign stop.”
(Don Corrigan has reported from Washington, D.C, as well as covered the white squirrels in Olney, Illinois, and Marysville, Kansas. He is the author of Nuts About Squirrels.)